Things I wish I knew when I was 14

I have always had a bit of trouble with anxiety, but when I was 14 I was set on a path that made the next 10 years of my life pretty hard. Of course there were some amazing moments in there, by no means has my life awful. But looking back there are some things I wish that timid little girl had known. I wanted to do a letter to my younger self post, but this proved too difficult. Hopefully one day I will have the strength to face those awkward teenage years, but for now I thought I could make a list of the things I wish I had known.

1. You should never settle.

In the last 10 years I have settled way more than I should have. Settled for what I didn’t want because it was what other people wanted. Settled in relationships when I knew I wasn’t happy but I was made to believe things were as good as they got. I have settled in many different areas of my life and the decision has always been wrong, I never knew it was OK to do what I wanted.

2. You can trust yourself.

I have a major confidence issue. If I am asked a question I know the answer to I am likely to to keep quiet or say I don’t know because I don’t trust that I am right (even though I know I am.) I have struggled to trust my own decisions, almost to the point that I didn’t know it was OK to do what I thought was right.

3. People won't understand the way you feel, but that's ok.

Through my anxiety and depression I learned that people will only understand for so long before they want you to snap out of it. Even if that person has been through the same thing they are still different to you and will never fully understand. Don't get to upset by this. Everyone will serve their purpose and eventually you will find the strength to pull yourself out.

4. It's OK that you don't know what you want to do when you grow up.

I still didn’t know when I left University after doing a journalism course!! I found any job I could get and ended up really loving it. And I still love writing in my own way. You don't need to know the direction you want to go in because you can work it out as you go.

5. You will be happy.

I'm pretty sure that every teenager goes through a time of wondering if they will ever live happily ever after. I can't know that at only 24, but what I do know is I am happy and I have been happy in the past. 24 has been a good year for me and at this point in my life that happily ever after is very possible for me.

6. You are not average.

I can't really find the words to explain this one, but I have always put myself down with the word average. Someone put this into my head and I wish I knew they were wrong. I have finally learnt to love myself (this is still hard sometimes) and I wish I knew sooner that I am what I make of myself.

7. Stand up for yourself!

This is something that over the past couple of yours I have gotten a lot better at. It may have caused some arguments, but it was worth it. Don't be pushed around! It is NOT OK!

There are so many more!! But I think these are the fundamentals. When you're a teenager and you are going through a crappy time it seems like there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. Those years don't really matter any more, and I have only just started the years that have mattered enough to make a difference!

App-sessed

Does 'App-sessed' sound enough like obsessed for it to be a valid title...I'll worry about that later. Like every twenty-something year old I go through my fare share of apps. Games, diet aides, workout challenges etc. Every month I go through about ten (sometimes more) apps, sometimes none of them survive the month before I'm done with them. But there are always more just waiting for me to try out. During my lunch break at work, rather than reading the paper or a magazine, I will go through the various apps that I am currently obsessing over.

These are Aprils favourites:

City 2048

You might have played 2048 before. Pairing numbers to keep on adding until you reach 2048 and above. It's hard to explain in words, but I could play this strategy game over and over until it makes me angry. City 2048 has the same concept except instead of numbers there are trees, houses, apartment buildings, skyscrapers and beyond. I have been trying for weeks to better my best score but can't get anywhere near! I'm shocked I haven’t thrown a tantrum and deleted the app to be honest.

Cooking Fever

Now this is a real obsession. My boyfriends mum plays it all of the time, and last month I got my boyfriend a tablet for his birthday. I decided it would be best to play on a tablet as its a bit too detailed to manoeuvre on a phone. I love this game I have persevered and I love playing this before bed, or before work if I'm not patient enough to wait until night.

Roller coaster Tycoon

This one I stole off of my boyfriend he started playing it on the tablet and then just stopped! So as any loving girlfriend would, I took over. It's a bit slow once yo get so far, but its one of those games that is in my routine, so I keep playing. Not too sure where it is going but after a long day, I collect my coins and see if I can buy more land to fit in another roller coaster!

PEAK

This one would be best on a tablet, but I use my phone because I like to play the games during my lunch break. This free app gives you 4 different every day to help you improve on Memory, Problem solving, Language, Mental Agility, Focus and Emotion (not sure how is helps emotion to be honest.) I love seeing how I have improved every day I play. My memory can be quite bad so I have though about playing brain games for a while. Definitely my favourite app this month. You can pay for extra games, but its a monthly/yearly payment unless you want to pay £79.99 for lifetime access to all of the games/features. I don't think you need this though, there are plenty of games in the free version to keep you occupied and improving the skills you choose.

10 Advantages of Living with your Boyfriend

I've lived with my boyfriend for over two years now. If I think about this to much I realise what a grown up thing it is to share a home with your other half! Sometimes I don't quite believe it's real, it's like we are just playing house. When we first moved in together my mum thought it was a bit too soon but I jumped in head first and it was the right choice. Life is pretty good living with the old ball and chain and there are some great advantages of living together…

1. Had a bad day? - You don't have to wait days to see the person who is best at cheering you up!

2. You are in a comfortable relationship – That extra layer of fat around your hips doesn't matter to them.

3.There is a person equally as strange as you in the same house – They love your quirks!

4. Your very own nurse for when you feel sick.

5. They scare the monsters away when you turn the light off at night.

6. All of those t-shirts you can wear to bed! …also boxers...is that weird?

7. Had a bad dream? - They can be pretty understanding when you wake them up for a hug.

8. Dieting together means you can motivate each other - If you fail, you can feel bad together.

9. You are better at compromise – You know when it's not worth arguing about.

10. Nothing beats sleeping next to the person you love every single night.

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Netflix: What's Worth Binge Watching...

Before Netflix (before I had it at least) I would have said I was a TV addict. I do love TV shows, but I have always been awful and remembering times and channels. So often I will see an advert for something I want to watch and I never remember. I have fallen into a comfortable routine of having a lot of choice any time I want. I use Netflix and Now TV for different shows. These players have built it into my brain that one is not enough. I love to binge watch. There are a few select shows I watch as they come out on both platforms week by week, but if I'm looking for a new show I'm looking for one with a couple of seasons and plenty of episodes to sink my teeth into. There are movies and TV shows for any occasion. In my case there are a few that I have to watch with my partner. Shows like 'How to get away with Murder' or Game of Thrones'. If Luke watched one of these without me it's likely I would throw a fit.

Having two Xboxs is amazing. Now I have even more obsessions because I can sit downstairs and binge watch all kinds of series that are a bit to girly for Luke to be interested in. There are too many to tell you them all but I thought I would share some of the series I like to watch by myself with a nice cup of coffee all on my lonesome.

Charmed

This is a go to when I have nothing new to watch. Charmed first came out in 1998, and its hard for me to believe I was only seven years old at the time. I probably didn’t start watching until I was somewhere in my teens, so I had only ever seen a few seasons and then picked up an episode or two on TV in the last few years. Finding this got me seriously excited for some binge watching. It's one of those shows that I can even watch when I'm having problems concentrating. I put this on when I'm pottering about cleaning the living room (WARNING: This will make you procrastinate when trying to do chores.)

Love

When I originally saw Netflix advertising this when it first came out I thought what a load of S**t. It didn't look appealing to me at all. Cheap and s**t. A couple of weeks ago the PMS left me in a flood of tears for no reason...the hangover didn't help much either. This is when I decided to give it a watch. When you’re feeling gross and gloomy what better than something about Love to make you more miserable, right? But it wasn’t what I expected, not mushy at all. Love is so witty and easy to watch. I finished the entire series over the weekend.

Reign

I love Period Dramas. I started watching Reign for this reason, plus there was already 2 and a half series on Netflix just waiting to be binge watched. However at first I wasn't to keen. It is clearly aimed at for a teenage audience(especially in the first season) I'm not to sure some of the costumes are 100% historically correct but I can't deny I have fallen for this show. As the seasons have gone on I no longer feel like it is aimed at such a young audience...or maybe I am still 15 at heart! The second half of the third series is currently being added week by week so the binge watching has come to an end for this one, but it seeing as it has been renewed for a fourth season it will stay as a firm favourite.

Call the Midwife

I watched the first season while I was at university and then just forgot this show existed. I go through long phases of being quite obsessed by the 50s, the hair, the fashion, everything. This is another one of those relaxing shows I can watch when I'm finding it hard to concentrate but it's also one that has you desperate to watch another episode! There are currently three seasons on Netflix although I think four may have been released. (This is probably one of my only gripes with Netflix!)

April Round Up

I can say that April has been a very good month. Not that any recent months have been particularly bad at all, but this last month I found myself content and happy. Finally certain aspects of my life are fitting into place. The weather still might be a bit crazy but these light mornings are making getting up for work a hell of a lot easier. I don't buy a great deal for myself most months so I decided this shouldn’t be a post of products, but simple things with a few products thrown in if I happened to particularly like something.

Kate Moss Sculpting Palette

I am no make-up artist, so no real life changing contouring is done. However over the past year I have been playing about with hi-lighters and the one I usually use has a bit to much shine for a normal day so I had considered finding one of these matte contour palettes for a while. There was no rhyme or reason to choosing this other than on the day I liked the look of it more that what the other brands had on offer.

My skin can be quite sensitive. Not so much with bronzer but I very often find that I get a bad reaction from blusher – I have been quite lucky with this one. I've been using this product for a little over two weeks now and it's a welcome addition to my everyday make-up routine. I really see a difference in my face when I use a highlighter and for only £6.99 it didn't break the bank.

Slow Cooker

Now this is a real grown up favourite! I bought the slow cooker over a year ago and only used it a handful of times, I always worried that it must cost a fortune leaving it on all day. But it actually works out cheaper to slow cook your meal for 8 hours than to use your cooker for just one hour (info here). I may have mentioned before that I love spending hours scrolling through Pinterest, well there is a whole wealth of recipes to try in the slow cooker, super simple and it saves spending an hour or so making dinner when you get home from work. You can find the link to my Pinterest in the sidebar, I've pinned a few recipes that I'm hoping to try, the cashew chicken recipe is cooking as I write this.

LUSH

I know it's crazy but this month I lost my LUSH virginity. The bath in my old flat was small and didn't look very appealing but I love the bath in the house I'm renting at the moment. Since I moved in almost 5 months ago I have got a lot of use out of the bath. The cost of Lush products is a bit extravagant for me to buy all of the time. But I recently found £20 tucked away in a Christmas card that I completely forgot about so I thought I would finally treat myself to some of those delicious products...I haven’t been disappointed.

Driving Lessons

I am finally learning to drive! I have been meaning to start lessons for almost a year, but nerves had gotten the better of me. Finally I had y first lesson last week. This was probably the cherry that topped off the month. It was nowhere near as scary as I expected and I'm actually excited for my next lesson. Maybe once I can drive I will be a real grown up!...NAH!

Book Club: Many Lives, Many Masters

I have a huge fear of death... It's hard to describe... I'm not scared of it hurting or how it will feel... I'm sacred that there will be noting after death.

Every person I have told this fear to has come straight out with something along the lines of - “If there is nothing after death then when you die you wont know it, so it won't matter.” I am aware of that if there is nothing then once I am dead I will know nothing – but the moments before I die is my worry...the years before that also! I worry about it now!

I don't have any religious beliefs but I do like to think that there is more to life after death. That this world isn't all there is for us. I won't get into any of the weird and wonderful things I think about the world and afterlife in my head. The internet is a horrible breeding ground where people relentlessly argue about what they believe is and isn't real. The bottom line is we will all believe what we want.

I bought this book off of the back of a month where all I could think of was losing everything I have now after I die.

This is the first non-fiction book I have read for pleasure and whether you think it's a completely mad made-up story or you think there is some truth in it, it makes a very good read.

The book follows Dr Weiss as he treats a woman suffering with severe anxiety with hypnosis. The woman begins recalling past lives, and the events in those lives tie up with some of her anxieties and this helps her over come them. Other than the recollection of these lives the patient is able to recall an in-between state where Dr Weiss talks to 'The Masters' and they tell him how these multiple lives work and what their purposes are.

I did find some of the book quite far fetched, but I loved it. So much of the book ties up with stories we have all heard about what happens when we die, and beyond that it ties up some of my personal beliefs. I still fear what happens after death, but with this in the back of my mind I fear it a lot less. I am intrigued and would love to read more on the subject.

There is so much more I could say about this book. Towards the end I began to put sticky notes on pages and highlight passages that mean something to me, and since then I have gone back to the start to highlight important passages so I can find them again when I need something to lift me up. I don't want to give much of the story away as the whole experience of reading the book was worth not knowing what I was getting into when I started reading. I recommend this book to anyone with a fear similar to mine and to anyone else who loves anything supernatural.

                                                                        

I decided to go back to fiction for the next book I'm reading. I mentioned in another post that reading a minimum of one book every two months is a goal I have. The past few nights I have set aside an hour to read in bed, and only a few days in I have already found that this is helping me wind down easier and get to sleep quicker….Like a child with a bed time story.

5 Things to Help you Function as an Adult

Do you need extra help being an adult? The urge to slip back into student/teenage life is a constant struggle. Spending money on hoards of clothes and things you don't need. Saving for a mortgage can go right out the window when there is just so much s**t on Etsy you could buy with that hard earned cash. Every day functioning is so hard with out a mid day nap and now that you're in your twenties you can no longer rely on your parents to remind you of Birthdays and anniversaries.

I am a poorly functioning adult but I thought I would share a few things I do that generally help me to stay on the right track.

1 – Buy a Filofax

I love a good bit of stationary and over the years I have wasted countless pennies on pretty pens, pencils and notebooks. Buying a Filofax has really allowed me to still explore all the fun that comes with pretty stationary from Paperchase, while helping me remember how to function.

Throughout the day random bits of important information just fall out of my brain never to be found again. Maybe it's a side affect from all the booze consumed at University or maybe I just don't care enough to be responsible for so much information.

I primarily use my Filofax as a diary. There are other sections that I have designated for various things but I'm still not sure about them (perfectionist) I use different colours handwriting pens, highlighters and stickers so I know what each thing it. For example birthdays are pink, appointments and deliveries are purple, money is green. Writing things down has always helped me learn so as well as a pretty reminder I am hoping this is helping my memory!

I got my Filofax and all of my pens from Paperchase, it was nice and cheap compared to the branded ones, the quality is lovely and it came with lots of inserts.

2 – Notebooks

I could put these things in my filofax but I choose not to. I have a small notebook for money. I write what I get paid and all outgoings for the month. These are also colour coded with highlighter pens. Bills, and rent and other important outgoings tat happen every month are green. Groceries and other necessary purhases (eg. birthdays) are purple and treats for myself are pink. The colour coding is how I plan on finding where I should be cutting back in order to save some money!

I have a slightly larger notebook for things like lists and ideas, I originally used my Filofax for this but the pages can be scribbled and messy and I’m quite neat when it comes to the ol' Filofax (why can't I be neat in every aspect of life!!)

3 – BEDTIME!!

That’s right! We spent years waiting to be old enough to be the boss of our own bed time. We pulled all nighters and sometimes still let the time get away from us when binge watching something on Netflix. But bedtime is important. Not even coffee can save me if I've had no sleep. I don't have an exact bedtime but I do have a bedtime routine. I like to have washed my hair by 8pm so I can snuggle down into bed in a nice pair of Pjs and watch some TV until I fall asleep. However having a boyfriend sometimes means the TV being on way longer than is OK. My boyfriend works shifts and when he gets home at half 10 and I’m drifting off I end up getting woken up by the bright glare of the TV and even on volume 1 it is still too loud!!! Earplugs have helped with this but I have recently discovered that the TV lighting up the room annoys me more. So a cushy eye mask has been purchased.

4 – Sundays

That day where nothing happens. This was such a boring day a few years ago and a lot of the time for many people it is spent hung over. However this is the day I catch up on any clothes washing. I tidy the house and make some time for myself. Starting the week with the house looking like a bomb-site really affects my outlook. Tidy house, tidy mind. Of course by the end of the week the kitchen will have exploded along with the rest of the house. But that's OK because Sunday will always come around for it to be fixed. I have read a lot of blogs that suggest doing this on a Sunday but I don’t remember reading one before I made this day my day of chores….must be a built in adult prompt.

5 - Me Time

I briefly mentioned this in 'Sundays'. To clarify exactly what I mean, I love spending my weekends binge watching a TV show with my boyfriend. We get unhealthily obsessed with TV series and as soon as one ends the fight is on to find a new one to watch before we get too bored. But this isn't me time. In amongst the quality time I get with my boyfriend at the weekend I also like just a little wile to sit by myself on the sofa and watch some girly TV program on my own. A nice bubbly bath with plenty of candles, bath products and an extra large glass of wine is also a good 'me time' activity.

I probably do at least 10 more things that help me semi-function as an adult, but as I explained earlier, information has a habit of falling out of my brain! If you have anything that helps you remember all of the important things or stay on top of your money so you don't go spending it on take outs and make-up let me know! Maybe how I can pass for an adult in public instead of a bumbling child with no sense of direction?